The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
