Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
