I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
