Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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