I need to stop coming to work sober
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
