So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
