I think I just saw someone hide a body.
this boner is exhausting
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
