So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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