booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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