Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
