just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
