Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
