its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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