you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
