You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
