I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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