i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
