the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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