True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
