sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
