i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my shit smells like andre
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
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