we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
