i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Randomize
