Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
