Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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