i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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