I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Randomize
