6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize