People in love make me want to vomit
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
