the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
