you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You should frame my arrest warrant.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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