She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I am available for nakedness
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
