There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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