R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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