Ambien. No doubt about it.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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