So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
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Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
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My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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