I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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