Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
