Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
