I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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