I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
