Pappa wants mamma naked
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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