I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
