i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
