Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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