I want to stick my p in your. b.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
