The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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