Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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