look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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