Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The beer is more important than you right now.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
