Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
