Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
