so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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