I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
