i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
time to smoke my breakfast
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
