I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
